In this podcast, Emme Porter DeWitt talks about their experience of being agender while also identifying as transgender, non-binary, queer and demisexual.
The phrase they use when describing their childhood is a feeling or sense of being “a bad version of a girl”.
I grew up thinking that everyone else is doing the <gender> better.
I wonder if part of my non-binary-ness is the evident non-fitting-in-ness of my upbringing in terms of gender. Around me it seemed all the guys knew who they were, or at least what they were aiming for. Even if not good at sports, even if awkward and geeky, they knew which guy was what they were aiming for. For the girls, they had the popular hierarchy to lead the way; the fashions and trends and which sports or music personality they were meant to be attracted to.
For me, I just didn’t fit with either, and didn’t want to compete to fit in. I tried it so many times. I hated it. I was even invited into the cool club once or twice and ran away. I knew I didn’t fit, and I didn’t want to play by those rules.
I covered everything up and tried to pass. I pretended to have fandom for a person or a crush on a person and put their posters on my childhood walls, but really I wanted to be like them, look like them – not completely, but at least to morph some way towards the way they looked and the confident way they (seemed) to present themselves to the world.
There was nothing and no one back then that one would identify today as “non-binary” – in culture or image. There was little enough content or public image of the thing called “gay” and what there was I clung on to desperately.
Today there is so much trans and non-binary stuff out there I don’t even know where to begin. I feel overwhelmingly like it might take me the next 20 years to work it all out and that thought is daunting and somewhat tiring.
I wonder what a good version of a < non- binary human > could look like.